Cheap Airfare!

This'll be a short post since it's very closely related to the one below. BUT. I just bought my tickets for my trip back to VA, which is now in just over two weeks (Oh my goodness!) and I got it for an unbelievable price. Like...this would be cheap even out of Holiday season, but $120 one way, cross country, in the middle of December? UNHEARD OF!

BUT I GOT IT! Wiiiiinnnn. And you know what this means? Not only can I fairly request off the week from work (and use my vacation to still get some money while I'm gone), but I get to still be in town for Christmas, be in town when my family from SoCal visits a few days later, AND (AND!?) go to my high school's Winter Concert, which is my faaaavorite.

SO. Within a couple days, these plans have all come together and I'm so excited. So, thank you, Virgin America, for giving me a wonderfully cheap flight to visit so many who are near and dear to my heart! :D

Generosity of my Parents

On this night, I greet you with a light and joyful heart. Amidst my crazy brain, some happy happenings are happening and I'd like to share them with you.

For the past few days, I've been really bummed about not being able to go home for the holidays. For me, home is where my church is, where that family is, and where the majority of my friends and support network is. That home is in Virginia. And while most of my friends go to school throughout the state, or maybe within a few nearby states, I'm nowhere close, nor does my family live there. So going home for the holidays for me? Not quite the same as for my friends.

But as I watch friend's statuses on Facebook and texts talk about how close Winter Break is, I couldn't help but be down. I set aside nearly 600 dollars for a trip to the Carolinas early in November, and thus decided that I couldn't afford a trip back to VA over Winter Break. However, I am so upset about that idea. So upset, in fact, that I decided I was going to pull another 500 out from savings (and that's not a light load to pull out, mind) so I could fly back and see everyone.

Tonight, however, I go to talk to my parents. Although they don't think I should fly back over Winter Break when prices are so steep, they are going to give me 300 towards a flight, to use whenever I'd like. They know how much I miss my friends, and what this means to me. If I had time later in the year, I may save it for then and essentially have a flight for free, but I don't think I'll have that chance. I know I didn't last year, and I have a lot more going on this year. So this will be my last visit until I move back. BUT, I can manage. I did the same last year, and last year I didn't have the hope of returning to the East Coast the following fall.

I am now. And I'll be spending part of the Holidays with my best friends. And my church. My church Mmmm. I'm filled with such happiness, just thinking about that. I don't know what next year will be, but since my dad is going to be back in VA for a lot, maybe I could spend Christmas Eve and Day with my church! But let's not get ahead of ourselves ;)

So tonight, I am ever grateful to my parents for offering so much to me. With their gift, I will be able to spend the time I so yearn, while not cringing at how much it hurts my piggy bank. Thank you Daddy and Sally. I love you both ♥

Modern Technology

Yes, I am ever thankful for it. In another writing that I did a few days ago which stays hidden in my Blackberry, I reflected on the fact that I don't think I've gone a day without contact from someone back east. Maybe two days, maximum. Point being, no matter how lonely I've gotten, or how distraught and depressed, there has always been someone right by my side, ready to help. And while each person will get their own thanks in time, I want to thank my generation first and foremost.

I have Facebook. I have texting. I have calling. I have video messages. I have snail mail. I have cars and trains and planes for when just connecting isn't enough. I have pictures, everywhere. Every place, I turn, there is a connection to home and to love and to my support system. I didn't do anything to deserve the blessing of such ready access to everyone, I was just lucky enought to be born when I was and into a family that could afford the luxury of it.

I need to remind myself that it is a luxury.

But tonight, I truly am thankful. Technology may let me down at times, but there's always another method to use, another friend to find. The blessing of human connection.

Thunderstorms

I've always loved rain. To me, it's peaceful, comforting, and cozy. I tend to be happier when it's raining or gloomy outside; the sun gets old to me. So, with that in mind, I now have a great love for thunderstorms. When shared, that is.

I scare easily, this is of no surpirse to anyone who knows me. But given the right situation, I can love something that is so powerful, yet still peaceful. Ever since my senior year in high school, I've learned to love thunderstorms. The huge threat, bearing clouds and then eventual downpour that follows with th rumbling and grumbling thunder and lightening is both exciting and beautiful.

There's something about watching this massive wave of energy move through your space, to be able to both dance in it and hide from it, and know that it's movement is bringing rejuvination to the land around you. If nothing else, it smells so wonderful.

So yesterday when I was in Sacramento visiting with my Aunt for Thanksgiving, and we got a thunderstorm, I immediately ran to the window, beaming. i felt like a kid for a few seconds, bouncing and bubbling. I then texted one of my best friends, Sarah, to tell her of my excitement. She and I got to dance in my only summer thunderstorm just hours before my flight would take me back to California back in August. It's moments like that that I know life is okay. Peaceful and joyful and hopeful as each drop splatters on my face.

Go ahead and mess up my hair, rain.
Go ahead and shake my feet, thunder.

Just as long as you wash me clean and fresh

Mommy

I want to start by saying that I've never had a good relationship with my mom. Ever. For many, many reasons my family has been meeeeessed up and she and I never got along growing up. But this evening, I felt like I met her for the first time. And she is a beautiful woman.

It's not that she's perfect, or does everything as I'd like or how I'd want her to do it. But she's Virginia. She has her struggles and she can relate to some of mine. She sends me postcards just to tell me that she had a good lunch with me. She buys me funny socks for even the most bizarre holidays. She flies across the country to see my concerts because she wouldn't miss something so important to me.

She's my mom, and I'm finally getting to know her. Tonight I went over to her house for Thanksgiving with her and my brother. He and I haven't really been close either, but for the first time, I say honesty in his eyes. We talked. I was reserved, but that comes from years of self-training. We'll see if I can start to open up to him- only time will tell me that one. But the three of us had a really nice dinner, and then they listened intently as I told them about my trip back to the Carolinas for college shopping.

I know she doesn't want me to leave, but she's supporting me. She sees that it's what I want to do and that I'm finding a way to do it. She sees the hope in me and she sees that I need to leave this place. She connected with me. I wish I could have stayed longer- I just wanted to keep talking with her. Buuut, alas, I have another family commitment in the morning. I just know one thing for sure:

I'll be spending much more time with her in the months to come :) So tonight, I'm thankful for you Mommy. I love you ♥

Traditions: San Francisco

I wanted to break this one down because I have a feeling I'll want to come back to other traditions throughout this year. But today I repeated one of my favorites. Since I met Nicole Keith in the sixth grade, we've been fast friends. We like to share the bizarre story of how we met (our parents dated) and then reaffirm the fact that our relationship outlasted theirs. It's our own little joke. But in reality, we're thankful to them for both dating and not lasting. Even though we're sure it was hard on them, we stayed best friends, even after I moved away to Virginia. However, now that I'm back, we've taken our tradition to a near quarterly trip.

As we've grown up together, we've consistantly loved two things: photo shoots and San Francisco. When we were in Elementary school and Jr. High, the photo shoots always revolved around dressing up in ball gowns in the dressing rooms of Jessica McClintock. As we keep maturing, those tastes keep changing (thankfully), but one thing hasn't: our love for our city. We frequent San Francisco in much the same fashion. We take BART to Powell, shop the vendors, then make our way (walking) down to Fisherman's Wharf and Ghiradelli Square.

Our adventures, though they always take the same route and we do much the same activities, are greatly varied. Certain trips stand out as wonderfully epic (Summer 2006), and some as disappointingly blah (March 2009), but we continue on. And, as following with one of our other loves, we document each trip in great detail. We take pictures of the fantastic hair salon that gives me the best (and cheapest) haircut and style I've ever found. We snap shots of the adorable dog tied via leash to a tree next to an Italian restaurant as the chef tries to offer him some extra treats. We giggle as we steal some pictures of the men dressed in some hideoous "swimming" attire as they get in trouble for drinking in Hyde Park and we rename the officer the Fashion Police.

Mostly, we document everything that catches our eye, whether it be an awesome yet weird mural or a knight in shining armor at Chrstmas time in Macy's. We make an impromptu photo shoot in the grass at Hyde Park as we contemplate our current situations and watch as lovers, friends, and families of tourisits stroll by. We dine at Melt, below Powell Street and enjoy the best crepes ever found underneath a mass transit station (and always make room for Strawberry and Nutella crepes). And even on occasion, we trapeze the streets separately and find fantastically epic pieces such as strawberry hats.

We laugh hysterically. We cry equally hard. These trips are our time to get away and just be with each other. They're our time to talk and hurt and heal. They're our time to watch the rest of the world pass by and see that maybe our lives aren't that hard, or maybe the small speck that we are has meaning. These trips are our time to be ourselves, dressed at our very best, of course.

These trips have helped keep me sane in California. I sometimes have said that although I don't like much about this state, I do love that city. It's true. The city holds my heart and many fond, blissful memories. So, on this night, I am thankful for Nicole and the tradition we have made our own. Here's to many more successful trips to our beloved city!

Rest

This will be a small post, but it spans a large topic. I am very thankful for rest. Today at work, I was feeling quite sick; nauseated, breathing shallowly, stomach pains and the like. I had a feeling it had to do with a combination of something bad eaten the day before at school, lack of food in the day, and less sleep than would be needed for as much dancing as I did the day before. So, thankfully, my boss let me leave early and I went home and simply rested.

Tonight night, although I'm staying up later than planned, I get to sleep in for the first time in at least a month. Let me tell you: it will be glorious. And when I say sleep in, I mean until 8 a.m because I'm normally up between 5 and 6. The rest will most likely make all the difference in my day tomorrow.

I feel that many of my peers underapreciate sleep, especially now that they're in college. No, I may not stay up until the crack of dawn working on that paper or cramming until my eyes are bleary, but I'm sure as heck awake in lecture, and thus, rarely need to pull such long nights. So, although many consider sleep something that will come once they have time, I am happy to put aside my time; to schedule sleep, and especially to recognize when I haven't gotten enough and need to make it up at an appropriate time.


So, to rest, in general, you are beautiful. Thanks for being with me every night :)

Dr. Buddy James

Today, I'm very thankful for my choir director at CSUEB. As I've mentioned before, my Freshman year there was anything but wonderful. However, due in part to the Music Department that Dr. James is a grand addition to, I can happily say that my sophomore year is going so much smoother.

Dr. James has always been welcoming and warm, but I'm especially thankful to him. Not only was I able to be a part of the Music Department, he placed me in the top choir at this school. It's been such a wonderful honor to not only work with so many talented musicians and great people, but to work under his direction.

The main reason for this point was a small comment he gave me today in class. Our choir was arranged in a circle around the piano to help with hearing each other, and I just happened to end up next to Dr. James. He's not intimidating, per say, so I wasn't afraid to be next to him, but he is brilliant and being one of the "newbies" and "youngins" in the ensemble, I was nervous as to whether or not I was meeting the standards that I've seen set around me. But I needed fear not. After we finished an especially hard section of Arvo Part's Magnificat in which my section maintains a steady pitch as the Sopranos hop around, Dr. James turned to me. He has this big, bubbly smile, patted me on the back and enthusiastically said "Good JOB, Colleen!".

His single sentence made my day. To know that I am pleasing him and adding to this choir is so fulfilling. But especially for him to acknowledge to me right there that I was doing well just added five points to my self-esteem for the day. So thank you, Dr. James, for being such a wonderful director to work under- both as a musician and as a student.

Letters

I know some of these are more abstract than expected, but hey! I can be thankful for whatever. So, tonight, I'm thankful, specifically, for letters. Generally, the written word, but really letters. You see, they've been such a source of expression for me lately, that I can't not acknowledge them.

There are many things in my head and heart that I have to say. I'm constantly thinking and analyzing not only the world around me, but especially myself. I think about previous decisions I've made, how those affect the current me. I think about relationships constantly, whether they be romantic or friendship or familial. This being the case, I come up with a lot of thoughts. And these thoughts just...can't all stay in me. Some need release.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of someting, whether it be assignment or affirmation. Other times I need to put puzzle pieces together, rearrange them, and write them out to physically see them and think visually. But most importantly, sometimes I really need to tell people things. But more often than not, when it's something that I really want to say, I either shouldn't or can't say it to that person. These are pressing matters on my heart. And so tonight, I am thankful for letters.

I've made this habit. I have pages and pages, notebooks full of letters to people. More to some than others, but varied greatly. These letters never get sent. These letters are for me. Normally I would love nothing more than to send them and tell them my heart, but if I could send them, I wouldn't be writing late at night in a little notebook. So I write. And I pray. And I keep writing these letters until I run out of words or fall asleep.

Maybe someday I can share them. Maybe someday I'll wrap them all up and throw them away, done with that phase of my life. Maybe someday I won't have to write these letters. But for now, they are a means of healing. A chance to express myself. And most especially, a way to bring those close to me who feel so desperately far away.

The Stars

Posted for Saturday, Nov. 21. Sorry it's late, but I was on a service trip up in Sonoma County with the youth group I help with, and wasn't able to access Blogspot, even with my wonderful Crackberry ;)

Have you ever been joyous and sorrowful at the same time? I'm sure you have. I felt that tonight on this church retreat. As we were all going to bed, and I was following up with one boy I had talked to earlier, I glanced up. Without thinking, I cut him off as I gasped; the stars were absolutely beautiful. They were vast and glimmering and as I gazed, a few things came to mind.

First, I was in awe and wanted to cry from the beauty. The stars in the Bay Area are rarely magnificent- there's too much light pollution. But this? This was glorious. Second, I thought of my dearest friends. I thought about how much I wished I could share this moment with one of them- how I knew it would be so much more appreciated with one of them. With those thoughts in mind, my eyes scanned the skies more and landed on one particular constellation.

Nestled above Orion and his belt was a group of stars, glittering and sparkling exceptionally to me. And as I looked closer, I realized what they formed.

A question mark.

I have so many questions right now, so many wonders and pains and hopes and confusions. I wonder if God is leading me a certain direction. I worry that I'm going to hurt myself again. I hope I'm on that right track. I pray it isn't all in my head and a concoction of my wishful thinking and hopeful romantic-ness.

But yet, as I stood under those stars in the hills of Napa Valley, surrounded by young minds and hearts looking to serve and fellowship, I still couldn't help but be at peace. For even if my own heart and mind are in shambles, I can look to my side and see hope; see faith and love and purity. And I can look up to the heavens and feel that hope for something better. I can see the stars and know that there's something more waiting for me. I can have a celestial question mark and know that even God is winking at me and asking me to take that leap of faith.

So, tonight, I thank the stars for their inspiration, peace, and hope.

Music Analysis

(First, sorry for the late post, but I left my house at 7 this morning for school and didnt get home again til quarter after midnight, thanks to working. Ohhh sbux closing shifts.)

Tonight, I'm thankful for music analysis. I know that sounds really boring and gross and weird, but SERIOUSLY! When one needs a good distraction, analysis of something you love does the job pretty darn well. I was happy to find that I got a B on my last Music Theory test, so I'm finally starting to understand it. YAY! So all throughout class, since I needed to be distracted, I was focusing especially close. And it makes sense so that was encouraging. But I was still down today.

So, I talked to a good friend after class and had about an hour and a half to kill before choir. He let me talk and cry and the like, and was very understanding and kind. That was the first step to feeling better, but there's nothing like music for me. When we got into choir I just took a big breath, got on the risers, and started stretching. Within minutes, both my emotions and need to go potty were the last things on my mind. I got to focus and create, and it was wonderful. Especially since our music is very challenging (Bach's Gloria in Excelsis Deo Cantata 191 and Arvo Part's Magnificat), I can't just sing. I have to think. I have to listen. I have to make sure my vowel is right because for some reason we were really flat today. I had to be there and nowhere else, and I am so thankful for that.

Music is beautiful, in it's science, art, and complexity to entangle both those worlds. To be able to finally analyze it properly feels like a gift and I'm thankful that I CAN do it, and also that I'm letting myself. It feels so good to chase a dream :)

Kaitlin Bishop

There are some people in your life that are front and center: your best friend, your siginificant other, your parents, favorite professors, and preachers. There are many people right behind you that you can access easily, when need or want be: friends, extended family, administrators, and co-workers. But then there are those tucked away; the spirits who are quietly cheering you on and whispering on your shoulder, even if you don't always notice them. Kaitlin Bishop is one of those people for me.

She and I met through church youth groups, retreats, mission trips, sunday schools, and everything else that we did there. We were both staples at HUMC, but somehow, I never spent an exceptional amount of time with her or got to know her as well as others. However, ever since I moved, she, along with a few others, have acted as guardian angels over me.

I came to her tonight in tears, after facing a rough day of emotions, memories, and questions. It's been months since we've talked but she's always seemed close to me. Her words tonight explained the closeness as well as comforting and embracing me. Where some of my friends want to give me tough love and see me finally be happy and whole again, others are ready to tell me that it's okay to be where I am for as long as I need to be. Each has their time and place, but tonight I needed to be submerged in my grief.

Kaitlin talked with me for two hours as I explained my aches. She listened patiently, asked me to explain deeper, and provided no judgement whatsoever. She let me weep and she let me feel. She provided inspiration and true comfort and made me feel so absolutely loved that it made me cry. I'll let some of her most powerful words speak in place of mine:

"If I say anything tonight that's church relevant, I'll say this:

God gives us all two things when he creates us, in my opinion. He gives us a purpose, reason for being, and the gifts to share that purpose with the world. He also gives us a soulmate to share that world with."

"Of all the people I keep after, I worry about you both the most and the least. The most because you've faced more obstacles and heartache than anyone else. The least because you've come through them, just like you always have and always will."

She reads my blogs. I know people do, and I can see that people do on this one, but this is new. I never knew about the one for school since I can't track anything on it. When I went to explain something and found out that she already knew the rough story, I started crying again. I know these are public and anyone can read them, but to know that someone reads them regularly, to keep tabs on me and check on me? I can't describe my gratitude. I'm not alone. My words don't go out to no one. I have family, both blood and chosen, who care as deeply for me as I do for them.

Kaitlin, tonight you are the representation of that bond. Thank you for everything you do for me, both seen and unseen. I love you so very much and can't wait to give you the huge tear-filled hug I've promised the next time I go home. You are an inspiration. ♥

The All-Around "Good Day"

It gets much less press than it really should. I don't know about you, but the good tends to outweigh the bad in my life, or at least I like to train myself for that to be so. Even after some of the pains I had in the past couple years, looking back, it's hard for me to remember just how much those things hurt. It's a blessing, I think, as long as you remember the lessons. But pain aside, I think that our world in general tends to focus on the negative. I challenge you to remember the positive more.

Today was simply a good day. I want to step back and acknowledge that there was nothing of significance that brought me down. Although it may not seem news worthy or worth an entire blog on, I think it is. Most days are "average". Hence them being "most". Some days stick out as extraordinarily fantastic, and others as unbearably excruciating. But what about those simple days? The days where you just smiled and were thankful for it? I think they deserve more.

I woke today and wrote out my affirmations. They were focused on my music classes today and keeping my mind where it needed to be (like on the last Music Theory test of the quarter). I then showered, got ready, and headed downstairs for breakfast. I had half an hour to make that and pack my lunch and dinner so I decided to have something nicer. I ended up basting my first egg, and it turned out perfect! Adding some toast, juice, and a banana and I had a breakfast for champions! Afterwards, I even emptied the dishwasher, I was feeling so darn cheerful. Eggs are happy foods, what can I say?

So I headed to school with my tea, backpacks, coats, and Michael Buble in tow. Thing just kept going smoothly. Piano was good, and my professor, as usual, was cheery and adorable. My test seemed to go well, as I finished with fifteen minutes to spare. I even put myself out there in Sightsinging and felt my affirmations work, thus boosting my self-esteem for the day.

I found a friend and got a big, twirl-me-around-in-the-air hug that kept me smiling. Choir was wonderful, as always, and I headed to the rest of my Physical Ed classes afterwards. Ballet was also smooth and filled with jokes about my lack of pants. (I've got a leotard and tights! Why do I need pants, too??) Then, in my short break before the University Honors Program social, I ran into two friends from my summer show and was greeted with warm hugs and laughs. Taekwondo ended my day happily with the normal humor with my friend Adrienne (not my boss), who I endearingly call Shorty. I've got 5 inches on her, but we've always been an even match in martial arts. Small, but mighty, my friends.

All in all? A good day. One worth noting. One worth remembering, so that when one of the miserable days come I can think of this and remember that this, too, shall pass. As sung in Glee (aka the best show ever.) tonight:

"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain;

we all have sorrow.

But, if we are wise,

we know that there's always tomorrow".

1340 N. Main St.

That's right. I'm thankful for a place tonight. Starbucks- my Starbucks. I don't think many of my friends are thankful for their jobs, in all honesty. It's something they haaaave to do to get by, and something that demands their time and sure, it's bearable, but someplace they're thankful of? Psh.

Not the case for me. Yes, I've had my ups and downs with the place. Have I seriously considered leaving? Yeah, a few times. Did those times correlate with a lack of vacation or big outside stress on my part? Guilty. When I step back and look at my near year and a half at Starbucks store 5624, it's been a place of comfort for me. At points, I've felt that my "sbux crew" has been all I've had.

There was my first summer here, before I had any friends. Adrienne hired me a week and a half after I moved, and I immediately began the intense training. I came home exhausted after each 4 hour shift and slept in my gloriously large bed. Time of day mattered not. Although I wasn't close to the team yet, they were the only people I saw with any regularity other than my parents. To them, I was the cute just-out-of-high-schooler who sang and wore ribbons in her hair. To me, they were the only base I had out here and challenged me to change what a friend could be made of. Even though I felt much younger than them, I worked to prove myself, and quickly gained their respect and evetually lost the "high-schooler" tag.

Then came Fall and school. I was working my butt off, trying to figure out how to balance all of it. As my friends back home got more involved in their schools and their new lives, I was stuck- too busy commuting to get involved, and too homesick to try. Only at my store did I have relief, where I knew what I was doing and had a singular purpose. It was wonderfully predicatble, and that predicatability kept me sane, as did my coworkers.

Throughout the rest of my year, they've seen all sides of me from bubbly and singing "True Love's Kiss" from Enchanted, to trying to hold my composure and swollen eyes for an eight hour shift the day after a heart-wrenching breakup. They know me. They know my struggles. And I know theirs. Most of the time, mine pale in comparisson. To them, I am thankful.

At my store I see strength and perserverance. I see people fighting to just get by and providing an astonishing example for me. I see a woman who curse like a sailor. In her, I see the most genuine heart and soul which really just wants to be loved again. I see a quiet, contemplative man who shoulders the store and it's needs above his sleep. In him, I see dedication to a purpose and a responsibility. I see a woman fighting emotional hell while she works and studies, as she follows her dream. In her, I see a beautiful friend who is the first to laugh off her stress. In this store, I have a home.

I know that my experience here isn't like most. The store isn't an escape for many of my coworkers, but it can be for me. They can be my escape; they have been and continue to be a tremendous support system for me. So to my coworkers, both past and present? I love you all. Thank you for putting up with me and my quirks ;)

Justin White

I shall begin my new daily routine with someone very near and dear to my heart, Rev. Justin White. He started off as the new youth pastor at my church back in Virginia, and quick rose to stardom among the youth and adults. He has been there for me going on six years now, despite the space and time differences.

One of the many reasons I love Justin is his ability to listen. See, I like to talk. A lot. And he doesn't mind listening to me prattle on, whether it be about the newest piece of art I've been working on, my new dreams and ambitions, or whether it be in tears, as I desperately seek his guidance on the newest hurt on my heart. Back in high school, one of my favorite pastimes was running over to the church after school and just sitting in his office to recount all that was my epic (or not) day.

Justin is more than just a pastor. He's more than an example of faith. He's a counselor who cracks the best jokes when you're about to "snot yourself" from crying so hard (his own words, of course). He's a Monty Python fanatic. A wine connoisseur. A lover of all that is faith and friendship. But most important to me, he's my friend, and I hope he knows how much that means to me. So Justin? Thank you, again, for all that you have been, and continue to be to me ♥.

Name of the Game

So I've had this idea.

I've been having a rough couple of years and have found that I'm really struggling with myself: who I am, what I'm made of, and whether or not I'm worthy. Unworthy of what, you ask? I'm not even sure. Needless to say, my confidence and esteem are weak, but I want to change that.



And my thinking? What better way to find yourself and your worth, than in the things that you have and are thankful for? They can be people, places, things, events, lessons- anything. I'm going to work on this daily. I'll find 365 things for which I'm thankful for a year, write about them, and if possible, tag them so they know that I'm thankful.



Of course, it's never that simple. I have other "rituals" to help myself. A page of affirmations each morning. A visual goal chart so I can't just flake on my plans. Mantras. Etc.



But as we lead up to this year's Thanksgiving, I shall dedicate this blog solely to the giving and reminding of my own blessings. And so it begins!