Have you ever been joyous and sorrowful at the same time? I'm sure you have. I felt that tonight on this church retreat. As we were all going to bed, and I was following up with one boy I had talked to earlier, I glanced up. Without thinking, I cut him off as I gasped; the stars were absolutely beautiful. They were vast and glimmering and as I gazed, a few things came to mind.
First, I was in awe and wanted to cry from the beauty. The stars in the Bay Area are rarely magnificent- there's too much light pollution. But this? This was glorious. Second, I thought of my dearest friends. I thought about how much I wished I could share this moment with one of them- how I knew it would be so much more appreciated with one of them. With those thoughts in mind, my eyes scanned the skies more and landed on one particular constellation.
Nestled above Orion and his belt was a group of stars, glittering and sparkling exceptionally to me. And as I looked closer, I realized what they formed.
A question mark.
I have so many questions right now, so many wonders and pains and hopes and confusions. I wonder if God is leading me a certain direction. I worry that I'm going to hurt myself again. I hope I'm on that right track. I pray it isn't all in my head and a concoction of my wishful thinking and hopeful romantic-ness.
But yet, as I stood under those stars in the hills of Napa Valley, surrounded by young minds and hearts looking to serve and fellowship, I still couldn't help but be at peace. For even if my own heart and mind are in shambles, I can look to my side and see hope; see faith and love and purity. And I can look up to the heavens and feel that hope for something better. I can see the stars and know that there's something more waiting for me. I can have a celestial question mark and know that even God is winking at me and asking me to take that leap of faith.
So, tonight, I thank the stars for their inspiration, peace, and hope.
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