Odd thing to be thankful for? Nahhh. Here's the thing: I went to a Christmas party with my Stepmom tonight. It was with her HOUR office and, though I know most of the ladies who work there, we're not especially close. And I admit, I was in a fairly foul mood upon leaving the house. I didn't feel pretty, I was down, and I sure as heck wasn't in the mood to hang out with a bunch of adults.
But ohhhh, silly me. I had a wonderful time. To start, the food was wonderful. And although I was the only person my age there, I was able to wander around the lovely house and chat with many of the adults, whether they were thirty-somethings with their 3 and 5 year old kids, or with the fiftie-somethings, watching the kids and grandkids in happy distance. The people were all lovely and I quite enjoyed simply watching them interract.
I also got a rather desperate phone call from a friend that I needed to take. Although I was worried about excusing myself from conversation and acting rudely, I knew I needed to get back to her. Once I called her back, I sat in the backyard under a little roofed area and talked with her til she had calmed down and we had set up a time to hang out. All the while, I got to listen to the rain as it varied between soft and hard droplets.
The phone call may have lasted 45 minutes and taken a very different mindset, but I was happy to have been able to help and then go right back into the party and talk to a father about his 2 year old who was about to crash and burn for the day. (The kid was adorable, by the way. His hair was determinedly unruly and his dad had thus nicknamed him the Rooster. I liked it :) )
So tonight, I'm thankful for the ability to be flexible, even when I enter a situation with a bad outlook. I sometimes forget how much peace this flexibility gives me.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Days Off
I had another today. I got to sleep in until 10 (10!!) and then lounged about as I slowly got chores done. I've been doing a master cleaning of my room and today I not only picked up the mess around my bed and floor and do my laundry, I started in on my closet. Oddly enough, it was cleaner than expected. But since I took many breaks on facebook to chat with friends and an hour to watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, I got little done around the rest of my room :P
I'll tackle more the rest of this weekend, along with my bathroom (whih really isn't bad), and then get ready for my trip to VA. Still gott finish up a BUNCH of presents and pack and whatnot. And I'd like to finish the cleaning of my room before I head off for a week. But we'll see. It'd be nice to get another paintingdone too, but I think I'll have to wait until I return to do that. Or maybe take my paints and colored pencils with me :)
So, today, I thankful to have had the day to myself. Even though I could have done more, I'm glad that I didn't have to for once. Relaxation, when needed, is beautiful :)
I'll tackle more the rest of this weekend, along with my bathroom (whih really isn't bad), and then get ready for my trip to VA. Still gott finish up a BUNCH of presents and pack and whatnot. And I'd like to finish the cleaning of my room before I head off for a week. But we'll see. It'd be nice to get another paintingdone too, but I think I'll have to wait until I return to do that. Or maybe take my paints and colored pencils with me :)
So, today, I thankful to have had the day to myself. Even though I could have done more, I'm glad that I didn't have to for once. Relaxation, when needed, is beautiful :)
Visual Art
Posted late for Thursday, December 19th
Well I totally forgot to post last night, but I have a pretty valid reason. In my head at least.
I spent most of yesterday lounging and doing pretty much nothing. (That's not the excuse for not posting, I promise.) It was my first complete day off of EVERYTHING- school, work, church, etc- in a month. And it was glorious, to say the least. So although I spent most of the day doing noting and stocking up on my rest, I spent the last 6 hours of my day working on art.
I have numerous plans for art projects, things that have already been started, things that were finished but need touching up, and things I have yet to start. The list never ends, hence my tattoo. I am "l'artiste joyeuse". The joyous artist. So anyway, I finally started one project last night that I came up with at least six months ago. It's going to be a series of portraits of the people who are most dear to me. Although the first went differently than expected, I'm happy with it.
It took about an hour and a half to do the outline from a picture I have, then I started in on the colored pencil, which has been my medium of choice for years. However, now that I'm becoming more comfortable with paint, I crave more rich colors that colored pencil can't quite give me. So, what I do is work on the drawing, do the colored pencil, and then move to watercolor. I was very pleased with my shading. Where normally, I would start with a base of skin color, I instead pulled out my greens, blues, and purples and everything in between with work on shadows. Although you wouldn't think it, without those colors, the depth just isn't there. So after I finished all the shadow on the portrait, I took the skin colors and did a thin layer over all of it, thus making the shadows just a little bit darker as well.
At that point, it was already about 10:00, so I pulled out my cheap watercolors- like the ones you use in elementary school? And I worked. I finished everything at about 11:30 and went straight to bed. It's not perfect, but art never is. It's looks just like my friend, and I captured the eyes just right, which is normally my struggle. Although I didn't get the laugh that I initially envisioned, this works just as well and shows their heart and kindness. I may add a background later, but for now, this will do.
L'artiste joyeuse is pleased with her work and is thankful for the ability to bring her friends to life, in a sense, even when they are thousands of miles away. To draw, color, and paint in each line and shape and color brings them so much closer than I can describe. Art is a life in and of itself.
Well I totally forgot to post last night, but I have a pretty valid reason. In my head at least.
I spent most of yesterday lounging and doing pretty much nothing. (That's not the excuse for not posting, I promise.) It was my first complete day off of EVERYTHING- school, work, church, etc- in a month. And it was glorious, to say the least. So although I spent most of the day doing noting and stocking up on my rest, I spent the last 6 hours of my day working on art.
I have numerous plans for art projects, things that have already been started, things that were finished but need touching up, and things I have yet to start. The list never ends, hence my tattoo. I am "l'artiste joyeuse". The joyous artist. So anyway, I finally started one project last night that I came up with at least six months ago. It's going to be a series of portraits of the people who are most dear to me. Although the first went differently than expected, I'm happy with it.
It took about an hour and a half to do the outline from a picture I have, then I started in on the colored pencil, which has been my medium of choice for years. However, now that I'm becoming more comfortable with paint, I crave more rich colors that colored pencil can't quite give me. So, what I do is work on the drawing, do the colored pencil, and then move to watercolor. I was very pleased with my shading. Where normally, I would start with a base of skin color, I instead pulled out my greens, blues, and purples and everything in between with work on shadows. Although you wouldn't think it, without those colors, the depth just isn't there. So after I finished all the shadow on the portrait, I took the skin colors and did a thin layer over all of it, thus making the shadows just a little bit darker as well.
At that point, it was already about 10:00, so I pulled out my cheap watercolors- like the ones you use in elementary school? And I worked. I finished everything at about 11:30 and went straight to bed. It's not perfect, but art never is. It's looks just like my friend, and I captured the eyes just right, which is normally my struggle. Although I didn't get the laugh that I initially envisioned, this works just as well and shows their heart and kindness. I may add a background later, but for now, this will do.
L'artiste joyeuse is pleased with her work and is thankful for the ability to bring her friends to life, in a sense, even when they are thousands of miles away. To draw, color, and paint in each line and shape and color brings them so much closer than I can describe. Art is a life in and of itself.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Musical Memory
Today has been a good day for many reasons. I'd like to list a few of them, just so I don't forget, and then get on with the topic of tonights blog. So, first, although I was running late, and traffic was horrendous, I somehow made it to school with 30 minutes to spare. And my Music Theory final was not only easy, but FUN! You know you're in the right major when you enjoy taking your final.
Then I went to choir, got to hang out with a bunch of cool choir kids as my last class of the quarter, and then AND THEN, head back home to get my tattoo with a friend. Though it did hurt, it wasn't terrible and I LOVE it! :) and to finish my good day, GLEE Fall finale was tonight and it was great!
So onto the focus of tonight: music memory. It may not be like olfactory, but memory connected to music is so unreal and wonderful. Today in choir, after turning in all our music and working out some business, we got to get a glimpse of our music for next quarter. I like all the pieces, but was especially excited when I saw one: 'My Soul's Been Anchored in the Lord' by Moses Hogan!
You see, I've done this song at least once before in high school and thinking of it brought back so many good memories. Even though East Bay Singers were struggling through sightreading it, I couldn't help but be giddy as I half heard my peers, and half heard my best friends back home singing it with me two years ago. I got many strange, slightly annoyed looks from my choir mates that I was excited and not struggling with the song like they were, but it didn't matter.
So today, although there are many things to be thankful of, I am thankful for the trigger that music is and the opportunity to relive those joyful wonderful days simply by singing a song.
Then I went to choir, got to hang out with a bunch of cool choir kids as my last class of the quarter, and then AND THEN, head back home to get my tattoo with a friend. Though it did hurt, it wasn't terrible and I LOVE it! :) and to finish my good day, GLEE Fall finale was tonight and it was great!
So onto the focus of tonight: music memory. It may not be like olfactory, but memory connected to music is so unreal and wonderful. Today in choir, after turning in all our music and working out some business, we got to get a glimpse of our music for next quarter. I like all the pieces, but was especially excited when I saw one: 'My Soul's Been Anchored in the Lord' by Moses Hogan!
You see, I've done this song at least once before in high school and thinking of it brought back so many good memories. Even though East Bay Singers were struggling through sightreading it, I couldn't help but be giddy as I half heard my peers, and half heard my best friends back home singing it with me two years ago. I got many strange, slightly annoyed looks from my choir mates that I was excited and not struggling with the song like they were, but it didn't matter.
So today, although there are many things to be thankful of, I am thankful for the trigger that music is and the opportunity to relive those joyful wonderful days simply by singing a song.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Poetry
At times it's hard to say
What passes each long day
From mind to mind
And thought to thought
So instead I write
In rhyme and not
In verse.
I do love a journal
And a book to hide
In a nook
Of my heart for the
Deepest wrought
Emotions;
However,
At times I find,
Without the rhyme
Or rhythm
Of living in song
And dance,
My words are
Half-assed, at best.
So I write in rhyme
Until the time
When said rhymes are
Lame.
I revert to my book,
My journal and nook,
And compose once again
The free lyrical game
Of proper
English grammar.
Which, on second thought,
Isn't free at all.
So with my little jokes
And attempts at little pokes
Of fun at the language I love,
I give thanks for words,
For rhythn and curves
Which allow me to dance
With my thoughts
And better express them
To you.
What passes each long day
From mind to mind
And thought to thought
So instead I write
In rhyme and not
In verse.
I do love a journal
And a book to hide
In a nook
Of my heart for the
Deepest wrought
Emotions;
However,
At times I find,
Without the rhyme
Or rhythm
Of living in song
And dance,
My words are
Half-assed, at best.
So I write in rhyme
Until the time
When said rhymes are
Lame.
I revert to my book,
My journal and nook,
And compose once again
The free lyrical game
Of proper
English grammar.
Which, on second thought,
Isn't free at all.
So with my little jokes
And attempts at little pokes
Of fun at the language I love,
I give thanks for words,
For rhythn and curves
Which allow me to dance
With my thoughts
And better express them
To you.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Seasons
We rarely get them in California. I mean, there's wet. And dry. Aaaaaand that's about it. And really, in the past few years, we haven't even been getting a rainy season, thank you drought.
This doesn't stand well with Colleen.
I love me some seasons. I love fall with colors and crisp air and the feeling of new beginnings. I love winter with it's bitter cold and bundled jackets and scarves and strawberry hats. I love Spring with it's cherry blossoms and pink-petaled snow. I love Summer even with it's dorwning muggy heat and taditions. I miss the seasons.
But today, California pulled a surprise on me! I was doing my usual drive to school and was listening to Christmas music as I was gazing at the clouds (and cars ahead, don't worry). Then as I looked, I was thinking to myself "those don't look like rain...clouds, they look like..." and as my brow furrowed and my attention turned to the ground and hills zipping past me, I gasped and yelped-
"SNOOOOW!!!"
It NEVER snows here! Well, I mean, apparantly it does. But seriously! I believe the last time it snowed at such a low elevation was about 20 year ago. So...before I was born. Hah. Luckily, what was coming down as I was driving was just barely slush, much closer to rain, but there was snow on the hills and I couldn't help but be giddy and happy.
I, of course, called my best friend (on bluetooth) and left her quite the hilarious voicemail of excitement and giggles. She's used to my outbursts, thankfully.
So thanks, California and Northern Storm Surge! You made my day :)
This doesn't stand well with Colleen.
I love me some seasons. I love fall with colors and crisp air and the feeling of new beginnings. I love winter with it's bitter cold and bundled jackets and scarves and strawberry hats. I love Spring with it's cherry blossoms and pink-petaled snow. I love Summer even with it's dorwning muggy heat and taditions. I miss the seasons.
But today, California pulled a surprise on me! I was doing my usual drive to school and was listening to Christmas music as I was gazing at the clouds (and cars ahead, don't worry). Then as I looked, I was thinking to myself "those don't look like rain...clouds, they look like..." and as my brow furrowed and my attention turned to the ground and hills zipping past me, I gasped and yelped-
"SNOOOOW!!!"
It NEVER snows here! Well, I mean, apparantly it does. But seriously! I believe the last time it snowed at such a low elevation was about 20 year ago. So...before I was born. Hah. Luckily, what was coming down as I was driving was just barely slush, much closer to rain, but there was snow on the hills and I couldn't help but be giddy and happy.
I, of course, called my best friend (on bluetooth) and left her quite the hilarious voicemail of excitement and giggles. She's used to my outbursts, thankfully.
So thanks, California and Northern Storm Surge! You made my day :)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Bugs
That's right, folks. I'm thankful for bugs tonight. Why, you ask? Is it because I love their delicate little intricate patterns? Or because they help support life on our planet? Or because I'm just so fascinated by them in general?
HECK NO, TECHNO.
In fact, I tend to HATE their little guts!
However...
it is because of this that I'm thankful tonight. You see, I have some wonderfully embarrassing video footage of myself provided by Roast and Toast videos my Senior Year and really excellent timing. While being filmed by one of the youth leaders, Larry, a HUGE and seriously, I mean HUGE bug fly right by my head, and of course, as following my norm, I freaked out, swatted all around and yelped a few octaves higher than my normal soprano range.
On film.
Needless to say, that made the video that was shown at my Roast and Toast and I can tell you with full confidence that I have NEVER heard my church laugh that loud or hard. Priceless.
So, with this in mind, and my many other memories associated with those evil little things that I hate so much, and equally funny stories because of it, I had a moment tonight.
It started innocent. It always does. I was simply walking from the youth room to the sanctuary with the youth group I help with, minding my own human business. But ohhh no. Bugs couldn't do the same, could they? As we get into the sanctuary, one of the Sr. Highers came up behind me and said, nonchalantly:
"Oh, hey! Colleen's got a cricket on her back!"
*insert running around, yelps, laughter and a new youth group getting to experience my fear of bugs*
They eventually got it off, but I didn't have the luxury of making it out of California without a bug incident. Alas.
So why am I thankful for bugs tonight? Happy, paranoid memories, my friends. Because as much as I hate them, they make for some fantastic stories and bring back fond memories of home. And who couldn't be thankful for that?
HECK NO, TECHNO.
In fact, I tend to HATE their little guts!
However...
it is because of this that I'm thankful tonight. You see, I have some wonderfully embarrassing video footage of myself provided by Roast and Toast videos my Senior Year and really excellent timing. While being filmed by one of the youth leaders, Larry, a HUGE and seriously, I mean HUGE bug fly right by my head, and of course, as following my norm, I freaked out, swatted all around and yelped a few octaves higher than my normal soprano range.
On film.
Needless to say, that made the video that was shown at my Roast and Toast and I can tell you with full confidence that I have NEVER heard my church laugh that loud or hard. Priceless.
So, with this in mind, and my many other memories associated with those evil little things that I hate so much, and equally funny stories because of it, I had a moment tonight.
It started innocent. It always does. I was simply walking from the youth room to the sanctuary with the youth group I help with, minding my own human business. But ohhh no. Bugs couldn't do the same, could they? As we get into the sanctuary, one of the Sr. Highers came up behind me and said, nonchalantly:
"Oh, hey! Colleen's got a cricket on her back!"
*insert running around, yelps, laughter and a new youth group getting to experience my fear of bugs*
They eventually got it off, but I didn't have the luxury of making it out of California without a bug incident. Alas.
So why am I thankful for bugs tonight? Happy, paranoid memories, my friends. Because as much as I hate them, they make for some fantastic stories and bring back fond memories of home. And who couldn't be thankful for that?
Choir
Posted late for Saturday, December 5th
I know there have been a lot of posts about music, but that's how it's going to be. I'm a music major. :) That being said, though, this one shall be short.
Saturday was my first choir concert in a year and a half. It wasn't the same as they were in high school. It wasn't as fun, it wasn't nearly as joyful. However, the music was glorious. We sang Bach's Cantata 191 for Christmas and Dona Nobis Pacem, both from his B minor Mass, and Pärt's Magnificat.
It was so good to be a part of such an ensemble again. Even though I know my performance drops a little when I do this, I couldn't help but relax every once in a while during our songs and just listen to the music we were making. It was so beautiful, and it really didn't seem that hard. And before my choir was up, I got to sit in the band room and hang out with some of the girls in my ensemble. We giggled and chatted about music, both good and bad, future plans, and just girly stuff all around. It was simply fun and comfortable :)
I know I have high expectations for music and choir. I can't help not. But on Saturday night, I truly was thankful for my choir and the opportunity to be a part of something so high quality and fulfilling. On Saturday night, I was very thankful for my choir :)
I know there have been a lot of posts about music, but that's how it's going to be. I'm a music major. :) That being said, though, this one shall be short.
Saturday was my first choir concert in a year and a half. It wasn't the same as they were in high school. It wasn't as fun, it wasn't nearly as joyful. However, the music was glorious. We sang Bach's Cantata 191 for Christmas and Dona Nobis Pacem, both from his B minor Mass, and Pärt's Magnificat.
It was so good to be a part of such an ensemble again. Even though I know my performance drops a little when I do this, I couldn't help but relax every once in a while during our songs and just listen to the music we were making. It was so beautiful, and it really didn't seem that hard. And before my choir was up, I got to sit in the band room and hang out with some of the girls in my ensemble. We giggled and chatted about music, both good and bad, future plans, and just girly stuff all around. It was simply fun and comfortable :)
I know I have high expectations for music and choir. I can't help not. But on Saturday night, I truly was thankful for my choir and the opportunity to be a part of something so high quality and fulfilling. On Saturday night, I was very thankful for my choir :)
Performance
Posted late for Friday, December 4th
Sorry about the delay- the past two days have been insane, ending with me getting home around 10:30 and crashing before an early morning. SO here are my late posts :)
Friday was another hard day. I lost something very dear to me and desperately fought fierce tears once I realized it was gone. Although I'm afraid I'm going regret stuffing that later, I can at least say that one thing did calm me down later that evening.
After returning from errands with a friend (during which time I realized it was gone), I was still very upset. I excused myself with the need to go for a run, despite wearing clogs to school that day. I took off into the mid-thirty degree weather of the Hayward hills and ran. And I ran and ran until I was crying and panting. And my shoes weren't staying on. Brilliant plan to fight sadness with endorphins failed. So after about fifteen minutes on my own in the dark outside, crying, I had to go back in for my rehearsal.
It took about twenty minutes, but as I stood on the risers with my choir as started to sing my heart out with the orchestra below, I began to feel better. I found that the more I sang and the more I melted into the music, the less and less I could think about anything else. I literally lost myself in the music to the point that there was nothing but me and the notes and rhythms and dynamics. And in those minutes and hours of rehearsing, I was so thankful for my love of music and performance.
In those hours I became the songs and my performance helped me be a character. In that night, I was thankful for the distraction and beauty of performance.
Sorry about the delay- the past two days have been insane, ending with me getting home around 10:30 and crashing before an early morning. SO here are my late posts :)
Friday was another hard day. I lost something very dear to me and desperately fought fierce tears once I realized it was gone. Although I'm afraid I'm going regret stuffing that later, I can at least say that one thing did calm me down later that evening.
After returning from errands with a friend (during which time I realized it was gone), I was still very upset. I excused myself with the need to go for a run, despite wearing clogs to school that day. I took off into the mid-thirty degree weather of the Hayward hills and ran. And I ran and ran until I was crying and panting. And my shoes weren't staying on. Brilliant plan to fight sadness with endorphins failed. So after about fifteen minutes on my own in the dark outside, crying, I had to go back in for my rehearsal.
It took about twenty minutes, but as I stood on the risers with my choir as started to sing my heart out with the orchestra below, I began to feel better. I found that the more I sang and the more I melted into the music, the less and less I could think about anything else. I literally lost myself in the music to the point that there was nothing but me and the notes and rhythms and dynamics. And in those minutes and hours of rehearsing, I was so thankful for my love of music and performance.
In those hours I became the songs and my performance helped me be a character. In that night, I was thankful for the distraction and beauty of performance.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Care Packages
I got one in the mail today :) It made me smile REALLY big and totally made my day even more wonderful than it had already been. It was from my Youth Group back home in Virignia. It was mostly filled with candy, but there were also about four little notecards, some hot chocolate mix, and a little packet of Starbucks Via, which I thought was a cute touch for me, hehehe.
Although some people think it's odd or weird to send a care package to someone in my situation, I shrug that off. Yes, I live at home with my parents. However, my other home is back in Virignia. Back at my church, back with my friends. But especially my church. Although the box was small and filled with lots of sugary treats that I could easily pick up here, to look at that would completely miss the point.
The care package is meant to remind you, meant to encourage you. My little beautiful box was a hello from my other family back East. It was a reminder that I'm in their prayers and that they miss me. It was a loving note from my freshman buddy, a giddy note from one of my other confirmation loves who's now a fellow choir nerd; in essence, a box of love in note and candy form.
So thank you, HUMC, for not forgetting me. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I can't stress how much I miss you all. I send my love and hugs and will be home soon! ♥
Although some people think it's odd or weird to send a care package to someone in my situation, I shrug that off. Yes, I live at home with my parents. However, my other home is back in Virignia. Back at my church, back with my friends. But especially my church. Although the box was small and filled with lots of sugary treats that I could easily pick up here, to look at that would completely miss the point.
The care package is meant to remind you, meant to encourage you. My little beautiful box was a hello from my other family back East. It was a reminder that I'm in their prayers and that they miss me. It was a loving note from my freshman buddy, a giddy note from one of my other confirmation loves who's now a fellow choir nerd; in essence, a box of love in note and candy form.
So thank you, HUMC, for not forgetting me. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I can't stress how much I miss you all. I send my love and hugs and will be home soon! ♥
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Encouraging Teachers
I know that I mentioned Dr. James the other night, but as I approach the end of Fall Quarter of my Sophomore year, I wanted to acknowledge some of the wonderful professors and instructors I've had this quarter.
First off is Dr. Eros, my Theory and Sightsinging professor. I'll admit, at the beginning of the quarter I was not a fan of him. Why? Because I was struggling. Because,f or the first time in my life, I was failing a subject. But he didn't let my tears and frustrations win. He worked with me and gave me tips and hints until it started to make sense. He showed me other ways to look at that darned Circle of Fifths and memorzation techinques for tonics, dominants, and triads. And eventually, I got it. Even though I was tough on him, he was kind and patient, and I'm so thankful for that.
Next is Professor Weber, my Piano instructor. She is so wonderful. Every morning, right at 8:10, she shows up with her little file folder and straw-brimmed hat, smiling and laughing, ready to help me with my not-so-graceful fingers. Even though I'm not one of the best students and I can't seem to remember that the bass note is a B rather than C in the 7th measure, she just keeps smiling and laughing and telling me I'm doing a good job. For her smiles and cheer, I am thankful.
Next is my Ballet instructor, Anne-Lise. At first, I didn't like her class much either. She was hard and the subject was trying- there are so many things to be thinking about, just concerning barre technique! "Is my butt tucked under, are my hips square, are my shoulders relaxed, yet strong, is my turnout correct?" And then there was the across the floor jumbles where I had to think about combinations and memorization, not to mention actually SMILING, for goodness sake. ;) But under all of that, my own struggle in the class: judgement. The constant questions like "Am I thin enough? Did my hair look okay? Why couldn't my arms be like Gina's? I wish I could dance like Katherine, etc, etc" But through all my tired days and sad days and joyful, bubbly days, she was there too. She was smiling and laughing, just like Professor Weber, and would hand out compliments when deserved. I truly feel like I've grown as a person by taking that class and having her supporting and graceful arm there to support, even from a distance.
Finally, my Taekwondo instructor, Mr. Miranda. I had him Spring Quarter for Self-Defense, and loved it so much that my friend Adrienne and I signed up for this class together. She's been my partner (at five foot and proud), while I "tower" above her at five foot, five. Let me tell you though, she's small but mighty. And Mr. Miranda put up with the two of us and our gigglings for two quarters straight. He even added to them! I'd be singing some song and he'd either join in or start saying the words to another. He'd give us jokes and metaphors like "Keep you EYE on the BURGER!". He'd point me out as the dancer when we started doing half and full turns and could see me spotting. He didn't mind mine and Adrienne's constant chatter or girly exclamations because he just accepted us as that way, yet saw that we were hard working and valued the class. His class was one I rarely dreaded, and only missed once due to sickness. I'll miss his classes next quarter as they don't fit in my schedule, but I'll be sure to stop by when I'm free. The best instructors have a way of keeping their "kids" around :)
There are a few instructors not mentioned from this quarter for various reasons. Some, I still don't know well, others I know so incredibly well that they deserve (and will recieve) their own post in due time. As for now, I bid this quarter and my last full day of classes adieu! And tonight I will sleep well, knowing I have been taught well. Thank you, to all my Professors, you are all inspirations!
First off is Dr. Eros, my Theory and Sightsinging professor. I'll admit, at the beginning of the quarter I was not a fan of him. Why? Because I was struggling. Because,f or the first time in my life, I was failing a subject. But he didn't let my tears and frustrations win. He worked with me and gave me tips and hints until it started to make sense. He showed me other ways to look at that darned Circle of Fifths and memorzation techinques for tonics, dominants, and triads. And eventually, I got it. Even though I was tough on him, he was kind and patient, and I'm so thankful for that.
Next is Professor Weber, my Piano instructor. She is so wonderful. Every morning, right at 8:10, she shows up with her little file folder and straw-brimmed hat, smiling and laughing, ready to help me with my not-so-graceful fingers. Even though I'm not one of the best students and I can't seem to remember that the bass note is a B rather than C in the 7th measure, she just keeps smiling and laughing and telling me I'm doing a good job. For her smiles and cheer, I am thankful.
Next is my Ballet instructor, Anne-Lise. At first, I didn't like her class much either. She was hard and the subject was trying- there are so many things to be thinking about, just concerning barre technique! "Is my butt tucked under, are my hips square, are my shoulders relaxed, yet strong, is my turnout correct?" And then there was the across the floor jumbles where I had to think about combinations and memorization, not to mention actually SMILING, for goodness sake. ;) But under all of that, my own struggle in the class: judgement. The constant questions like "Am I thin enough? Did my hair look okay? Why couldn't my arms be like Gina's? I wish I could dance like Katherine, etc, etc" But through all my tired days and sad days and joyful, bubbly days, she was there too. She was smiling and laughing, just like Professor Weber, and would hand out compliments when deserved. I truly feel like I've grown as a person by taking that class and having her supporting and graceful arm there to support, even from a distance.
Finally, my Taekwondo instructor, Mr. Miranda. I had him Spring Quarter for Self-Defense, and loved it so much that my friend Adrienne and I signed up for this class together. She's been my partner (at five foot and proud), while I "tower" above her at five foot, five. Let me tell you though, she's small but mighty. And Mr. Miranda put up with the two of us and our gigglings for two quarters straight. He even added to them! I'd be singing some song and he'd either join in or start saying the words to another. He'd give us jokes and metaphors like "Keep you EYE on the BURGER!". He'd point me out as the dancer when we started doing half and full turns and could see me spotting. He didn't mind mine and Adrienne's constant chatter or girly exclamations because he just accepted us as that way, yet saw that we were hard working and valued the class. His class was one I rarely dreaded, and only missed once due to sickness. I'll miss his classes next quarter as they don't fit in my schedule, but I'll be sure to stop by when I'm free. The best instructors have a way of keeping their "kids" around :)
There are a few instructors not mentioned from this quarter for various reasons. Some, I still don't know well, others I know so incredibly well that they deserve (and will recieve) their own post in due time. As for now, I bid this quarter and my last full day of classes adieu! And tonight I will sleep well, knowing I have been taught well. Thank you, to all my Professors, you are all inspirations!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Christmas Music
I love it. Seriously. How can you not? I mean, I guess I could see reasons, but STILL. It's so wonderfully cheery and happy and YAY. I woke up this morning to the same version of "Sleigh Ride" as my high school choirs always did at the Winter Concert, which got me to a good start. My shift at work was a long one- 8.5 hours, with fairly early breaks, and CRAZY busy for the first 5 hours. I was on bar (making the lattes, etc) for all of my shift but about an hour, sooo needless to say, I was exhausted. But then I got to go home!
And as I waited for one of my dearest friends to come over, I turned on my Christmas music, turned it waaay up since I was the only one home, and rocked out. Yes. I rocked out to Christmas music. It was awesome. And then when she arrived, and was blue and weepy, I just told her upfront:
"I love you, but I'm not going to let you be sad today. I'm in a good mood and am determined to make you get into one, too. Let's listen to Christmas music."
Or something like that.
And ya know what? It worked. :)
(Fitting post for December 1? Hehehe)
And as I waited for one of my dearest friends to come over, I turned on my Christmas music, turned it waaay up since I was the only one home, and rocked out. Yes. I rocked out to Christmas music. It was awesome. And then when she arrived, and was blue and weepy, I just told her upfront:
Or something like that.
And ya know what? It worked. :)
(Fitting post for December 1? Hehehe)
Monday, November 30, 2009
Cheap Airfare!
This'll be a short post since it's very closely related to the one below. BUT. I just bought my tickets for my trip back to VA, which is now in just over two weeks (Oh my goodness!) and I got it for an unbelievable price. Like...this would be cheap even out of Holiday season, but $120 one way, cross country, in the middle of December? UNHEARD OF!
BUT I GOT IT! Wiiiiinnnn. And you know what this means? Not only can I fairly request off the week from work (and use my vacation to still get some money while I'm gone), but I get to still be in town for Christmas, be in town when my family from SoCal visits a few days later, AND (AND!?) go to my high school's Winter Concert, which is my faaaavorite.
SO. Within a couple days, these plans have all come together and I'm so excited. So, thank you, Virgin America, for giving me a wonderfully cheap flight to visit so many who are near and dear to my heart! :D
BUT I GOT IT! Wiiiiinnnn. And you know what this means? Not only can I fairly request off the week from work (and use my vacation to still get some money while I'm gone), but I get to still be in town for Christmas, be in town when my family from SoCal visits a few days later, AND (AND!?) go to my high school's Winter Concert, which is my faaaavorite.
SO. Within a couple days, these plans have all come together and I'm so excited. So, thank you, Virgin America, for giving me a wonderfully cheap flight to visit so many who are near and dear to my heart! :D
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Generosity of my Parents
On this night, I greet you with a light and joyful heart. Amidst my crazy brain, some happy happenings are happening and I'd like to share them with you.
For the past few days, I've been really bummed about not being able to go home for the holidays. For me, home is where my church is, where that family is, and where the majority of my friends and support network is. That home is in Virginia. And while most of my friends go to school throughout the state, or maybe within a few nearby states, I'm nowhere close, nor does my family live there. So going home for the holidays for me? Not quite the same as for my friends.
But as I watch friend's statuses on Facebook and texts talk about how close Winter Break is, I couldn't help but be down. I set aside nearly 600 dollars for a trip to the Carolinas early in November, and thus decided that I couldn't afford a trip back to VA over Winter Break. However, I am so upset about that idea. So upset, in fact, that I decided I was going to pull another 500 out from savings (and that's not a light load to pull out, mind) so I could fly back and see everyone.
Tonight, however, I go to talk to my parents. Although they don't think I should fly back over Winter Break when prices are so steep, they are going to give me 300 towards a flight, to use whenever I'd like. They know how much I miss my friends, and what this means to me. If I had time later in the year, I may save it for then and essentially have a flight for free, but I don't think I'll have that chance. I know I didn't last year, and I have a lot more going on this year. So this will be my last visit until I move back. BUT, I can manage. I did the same last year, and last year I didn't have the hope of returning to the East Coast the following fall.
I am now. And I'll be spending part of the Holidays with my best friends. And my church. My church Mmmm. I'm filled with such happiness, just thinking about that. I don't know what next year will be, but since my dad is going to be back in VA for a lot, maybe I could spend Christmas Eve and Day with my church! But let's not get ahead of ourselves ;)
So tonight, I am ever grateful to my parents for offering so much to me. With their gift, I will be able to spend the time I so yearn, while not cringing at how much it hurts my piggy bank. Thank you Daddy and Sally. I love you both ♥
For the past few days, I've been really bummed about not being able to go home for the holidays. For me, home is where my church is, where that family is, and where the majority of my friends and support network is. That home is in Virginia. And while most of my friends go to school throughout the state, or maybe within a few nearby states, I'm nowhere close, nor does my family live there. So going home for the holidays for me? Not quite the same as for my friends.
But as I watch friend's statuses on Facebook and texts talk about how close Winter Break is, I couldn't help but be down. I set aside nearly 600 dollars for a trip to the Carolinas early in November, and thus decided that I couldn't afford a trip back to VA over Winter Break. However, I am so upset about that idea. So upset, in fact, that I decided I was going to pull another 500 out from savings (and that's not a light load to pull out, mind) so I could fly back and see everyone.
Tonight, however, I go to talk to my parents. Although they don't think I should fly back over Winter Break when prices are so steep, they are going to give me 300 towards a flight, to use whenever I'd like. They know how much I miss my friends, and what this means to me. If I had time later in the year, I may save it for then and essentially have a flight for free, but I don't think I'll have that chance. I know I didn't last year, and I have a lot more going on this year. So this will be my last visit until I move back. BUT, I can manage. I did the same last year, and last year I didn't have the hope of returning to the East Coast the following fall.
I am now. And I'll be spending part of the Holidays with my best friends. And my church. My church Mmmm. I'm filled with such happiness, just thinking about that. I don't know what next year will be, but since my dad is going to be back in VA for a lot, maybe I could spend Christmas Eve and Day with my church! But let's not get ahead of ourselves ;)
So tonight, I am ever grateful to my parents for offering so much to me. With their gift, I will be able to spend the time I so yearn, while not cringing at how much it hurts my piggy bank. Thank you Daddy and Sally. I love you both ♥
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Modern Technology
Yes, I am ever thankful for it. In another writing that I did a few days ago which stays hidden in my Blackberry, I reflected on the fact that I don't think I've gone a day without contact from someone back east. Maybe two days, maximum. Point being, no matter how lonely I've gotten, or how distraught and depressed, there has always been someone right by my side, ready to help. And while each person will get their own thanks in time, I want to thank my generation first and foremost.
I have Facebook. I have texting. I have calling. I have video messages. I have snail mail. I have cars and trains and planes for when just connecting isn't enough. I have pictures, everywhere. Every place, I turn, there is a connection to home and to love and to my support system. I didn't do anything to deserve the blessing of such ready access to everyone, I was just lucky enought to be born when I was and into a family that could afford the luxury of it.
I need to remind myself that it is a luxury.
But tonight, I truly am thankful. Technology may let me down at times, but there's always another method to use, another friend to find. The blessing of human connection.
I have Facebook. I have texting. I have calling. I have video messages. I have snail mail. I have cars and trains and planes for when just connecting isn't enough. I have pictures, everywhere. Every place, I turn, there is a connection to home and to love and to my support system. I didn't do anything to deserve the blessing of such ready access to everyone, I was just lucky enought to be born when I was and into a family that could afford the luxury of it.
I need to remind myself that it is a luxury.
But tonight, I truly am thankful. Technology may let me down at times, but there's always another method to use, another friend to find. The blessing of human connection.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thunderstorms
I've always loved rain. To me, it's peaceful, comforting, and cozy. I tend to be happier when it's raining or gloomy outside; the sun gets old to me. So, with that in mind, I now have a great love for thunderstorms. When shared, that is.
I scare easily, this is of no surpirse to anyone who knows me. But given the right situation, I can love something that is so powerful, yet still peaceful. Ever since my senior year in high school, I've learned to love thunderstorms. The huge threat, bearing clouds and then eventual downpour that follows with th rumbling and grumbling thunder and lightening is both exciting and beautiful.
There's something about watching this massive wave of energy move through your space, to be able to both dance in it and hide from it, and know that it's movement is bringing rejuvination to the land around you. If nothing else, it smells so wonderful.
So yesterday when I was in Sacramento visiting with my Aunt for Thanksgiving, and we got a thunderstorm, I immediately ran to the window, beaming. i felt like a kid for a few seconds, bouncing and bubbling. I then texted one of my best friends, Sarah, to tell her of my excitement. She and I got to dance in my only summer thunderstorm just hours before my flight would take me back to California back in August. It's moments like that that I know life is okay. Peaceful and joyful and hopeful as each drop splatters on my face.
Go ahead and mess up my hair, rain.
Go ahead and shake my feet, thunder.
Just as long as you wash me clean and fresh
I scare easily, this is of no surpirse to anyone who knows me. But given the right situation, I can love something that is so powerful, yet still peaceful. Ever since my senior year in high school, I've learned to love thunderstorms. The huge threat, bearing clouds and then eventual downpour that follows with th rumbling and grumbling thunder and lightening is both exciting and beautiful.
There's something about watching this massive wave of energy move through your space, to be able to both dance in it and hide from it, and know that it's movement is bringing rejuvination to the land around you. If nothing else, it smells so wonderful.
So yesterday when I was in Sacramento visiting with my Aunt for Thanksgiving, and we got a thunderstorm, I immediately ran to the window, beaming. i felt like a kid for a few seconds, bouncing and bubbling. I then texted one of my best friends, Sarah, to tell her of my excitement. She and I got to dance in my only summer thunderstorm just hours before my flight would take me back to California back in August. It's moments like that that I know life is okay. Peaceful and joyful and hopeful as each drop splatters on my face.
Go ahead and shake my feet, thunder.
Just as long as you wash me clean and fresh
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Mommy
I want to start by saying that I've never had a good relationship with my mom. Ever. For many, many reasons my family has been meeeeessed up and she and I never got along growing up. But this evening, I felt like I met her for the first time. And she is a beautiful woman.
It's not that she's perfect, or does everything as I'd like or how I'd want her to do it. But she's Virginia. She has her struggles and she can relate to some of mine. She sends me postcards just to tell me that she had a good lunch with me. She buys me funny socks for even the most bizarre holidays. She flies across the country to see my concerts because she wouldn't miss something so important to me.
She's my mom, and I'm finally getting to know her. Tonight I went over to her house for Thanksgiving with her and my brother. He and I haven't really been close either, but for the first time, I say honesty in his eyes. We talked. I was reserved, but that comes from years of self-training. We'll see if I can start to open up to him- only time will tell me that one. But the three of us had a really nice dinner, and then they listened intently as I told them about my trip back to the Carolinas for college shopping.
I know she doesn't want me to leave, but she's supporting me. She sees that it's what I want to do and that I'm finding a way to do it. She sees the hope in me and she sees that I need to leave this place. She connected with me. I wish I could have stayed longer- I just wanted to keep talking with her. Buuut, alas, I have another family commitment in the morning. I just know one thing for sure:
I'll be spending much more time with her in the months to come :) So tonight, I'm thankful for you Mommy. I love you ♥
It's not that she's perfect, or does everything as I'd like or how I'd want her to do it. But she's Virginia. She has her struggles and she can relate to some of mine. She sends me postcards just to tell me that she had a good lunch with me. She buys me funny socks for even the most bizarre holidays. She flies across the country to see my concerts because she wouldn't miss something so important to me.
She's my mom, and I'm finally getting to know her. Tonight I went over to her house for Thanksgiving with her and my brother. He and I haven't really been close either, but for the first time, I say honesty in his eyes. We talked. I was reserved, but that comes from years of self-training. We'll see if I can start to open up to him- only time will tell me that one. But the three of us had a really nice dinner, and then they listened intently as I told them about my trip back to the Carolinas for college shopping.
I know she doesn't want me to leave, but she's supporting me. She sees that it's what I want to do and that I'm finding a way to do it. She sees the hope in me and she sees that I need to leave this place. She connected with me. I wish I could have stayed longer- I just wanted to keep talking with her. Buuut, alas, I have another family commitment in the morning. I just know one thing for sure:
I'll be spending much more time with her in the months to come :) So tonight, I'm thankful for you Mommy. I love you ♥
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Traditions: San Francisco
I wanted to break this one down because I have a feeling I'll want to come back to other traditions throughout this year. But today I repeated one of my favorites. Since I met Nicole Keith in the sixth grade, we've been fast friends. We like to share the bizarre story of how we met (our parents dated) and then reaffirm the fact that our relationship outlasted theirs. It's our own little joke. But in reality, we're thankful to them for both dating and not lasting. Even though we're sure it was hard on them, we stayed best friends, even after I moved away to Virginia. However, now that I'm back, we've taken our tradition to a near quarterly trip.
Mostly, we document everything that catches our eye, whether it be an awesome yet weird mural or a knight in shining armor at Chrstmas time in Macy's. We make an impromptu photo shoot in the grass at Hyde Park as we contemplate our current situations and watch as lovers, friends, and families of tourisits stroll by. We dine at Melt, below Powell Street and enjoy the best crepes ever found underneath a mass transit station (and always make room for Strawberry and Nutella crepes). And even on occasion, we trapeze the streets separately and find fantastically epic pieces such as strawberry hats.
These trips have helped keep me sane in California. I sometimes have said that although I don't like much about this state, I do love that city. It's true. The city holds my heart and many fond, blissful memories. So, on this night, I am thankful for Nicole and the tradition we have made our own. Here's to many more successful trips to our beloved city!
As we've grown up together, we've consistantly loved two things: photo shoots and San Francisco. When we were in Elementary school and Jr. High, the photo shoots always revolved around dressing up in ball gowns in the dressing ro
oms of Jessica McClintock. As we keep maturing, those tastes keep changing (thankfully), but one thing hasn't: our love for our city. We frequent San Francisco in much the same fashion. We take BART to Powell, shop the vendors, then make our way (walking) down to Fisherman's Wharf and Ghiradelli Square.
oms of Jessica McClintock. As we keep maturing, those tastes keep changing (thankfully), but one thing hasn't: our love for our city. We frequent San Francisco in much the same fashion. We take BART to Powell, shop the vendors, then make our way (walking) down to Fisherman's Wharf and Ghiradelli Square.Our adventures, though they always take the same route and we do much the same activities, are greatly varied. Certain trips stand out as wonderfully epic (Summer 2006), and some as disappointingly blah (March 2009), but we continue on. And, as following with one of our other loves, we document each trip in great detail. We take pictures of the fantastic hair salon that gives me the best (and cheapest) haircut and style I've ever found. We snap shots of the adorable dog tied via leash to a tree next to an Italian restaurant as the chef tries to offer him some extra treats. We giggle as we steal some pictures of the men dressed in some hideoous "swimming" attire as they get in trouble for drinking in Hyde Park and we rename the officer the Fashion Police.
Mostly, we document everything that catches our eye, whether it be an awesome yet weird mural or a knight in shining armor at Chrstmas time in Macy's. We make an impromptu photo shoot in the grass at Hyde Park as we contemplate our current situations and watch as lovers, friends, and families of tourisits stroll by. We dine at Melt, below Powell Street and enjoy the best crepes ever found underneath a mass transit station (and always make room for Strawberry and Nutella crepes). And even on occasion, we trapeze the streets separately and find fantastically epic pieces such as strawberry hats.
We laugh hysterically. We cry equally hard. These trips are our time to get away and just be with each other. They're our time to talk and hurt and heal. They're our time to watch the rest of the world pass by and see that maybe our lives aren't that hard, or maybe the small speck that we are has meaning. These trips are our time to be ourselves, dressed at our very best, of course.
These trips have helped keep me sane in California. I sometimes have said that although I don't like much about this state, I do love that city. It's true. The city holds my heart and many fond, blissful memories. So, on this night, I am thankful for Nicole and the tradition we have made our own. Here's to many more successful trips to our beloved city!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Rest
This will be a small post, but it spans a large topic. I am very thankful for rest. Today at work, I was feeling quite sick; nauseated, breathing shallowly, stomach pains and the like. I had a feeling it had to do with a combination of something bad eaten the day before at school, lack of food in the day, and less sleep than would be needed for as much dancing as I did the day before. So, thankfully, my boss let me leave early and I went home and simply rested.
Tonight night, although I'm staying up later than planned, I get to sleep in for the first time in at least a month. Let me tell you: it will be glorious. And when I say sleep in, I mean until 8 a.m because I'm normally up between 5 and 6. The rest will most likely make all the difference in my day tomorrow.
I feel that many of my peers underapreciate sleep, especially now that they're in college. No, I may not stay up until the crack of dawn working on that paper or cramming until my eyes are bleary, but I'm sure as heck awake in lecture, and thus, rarely need to pull such long nights. So, although many consider sleep something that will come once they have time, I am happy to put aside my time; to schedule sleep, and especially to recognize when I haven't gotten enough and need to make it up at an appropriate time.
So, to rest, in general, you are beautiful. Thanks for being with me every night :)
Tonight night, although I'm staying up later than planned, I get to sleep in for the first time in at least a month. Let me tell you: it will be glorious. And when I say sleep in, I mean until 8 a.m because I'm normally up between 5 and 6. The rest will most likely make all the difference in my day tomorrow.
I feel that many of my peers underapreciate sleep, especially now that they're in college. No, I may not stay up until the crack of dawn working on that paper or cramming until my eyes are bleary, but I'm sure as heck awake in lecture, and thus, rarely need to pull such long nights. So, although many consider sleep something that will come once they have time, I am happy to put aside my time; to schedule sleep, and especially to recognize when I haven't gotten enough and need to make it up at an appropriate time.
So, to rest, in general, you are beautiful. Thanks for being with me every night :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Dr. Buddy James
Today, I'm very thankful for my choir director at CSUEB. As I've mentioned before, my Freshman year there was anything but wonderful. However, due in part to the Music Department that Dr. James is a grand addition to, I can happily say that my sophomore year is going so much smoother.
Dr. James has always been welcoming and warm, but I'm especially thankful to him. Not only was I able to be a part of the Music Department, he placed me in the top choir at this school. It's been such a wonderful honor to not only work with so many talented musicians and great people, but to work under his direction.
The main reason for this point was a small comment he gave me today in class. Our choir was arranged in a circle around the piano to help with hearing each other, and I just happened to end up next to Dr. James. He's not intimidating, per say, so I wasn't afraid to be next to him, but he is brilliant and being one of the "newbies" and "youngins" in the ensemble, I was nervous as to whether or not I was meeting the standards that I've seen set around me. But I needed fear not. After we finished an especially hard section of Arvo Part's Magnificat in which my section maintains a steady pitch as the Sopranos hop around, Dr. James turned to me. He has this big, bubbly smile, patted me on the back and enthusiastically said "Good JOB, Colleen!".
His single sentence made my day. To know that I am pleasing him and adding to this choir is so fulfilling. But especially for him to acknowledge to me right there that I was doing well just added five points to my self-esteem for the day. So thank you, Dr. James, for being such a wonderful director to work under- both as a musician and as a student.
Dr. James has always been welcoming and warm, but I'm especially thankful to him. Not only was I able to be a part of the Music Department, he placed me in the top choir at this school. It's been such a wonderful honor to not only work with so many talented musicians and great people, but to work under his direction.
The main reason for this point was a small comment he gave me today in class. Our choir was arranged in a circle around the piano to help with hearing each other, and I just happened to end up next to Dr. James. He's not intimidating, per say, so I wasn't afraid to be next to him, but he is brilliant and being one of the "newbies" and "youngins" in the ensemble, I was nervous as to whether or not I was meeting the standards that I've seen set around me. But I needed fear not. After we finished an especially hard section of Arvo Part's Magnificat in which my section maintains a steady pitch as the Sopranos hop around, Dr. James turned to me. He has this big, bubbly smile, patted me on the back and enthusiastically said "Good JOB, Colleen!".
His single sentence made my day. To know that I am pleasing him and adding to this choir is so fulfilling. But especially for him to acknowledge to me right there that I was doing well just added five points to my self-esteem for the day. So thank you, Dr. James, for being such a wonderful director to work under- both as a musician and as a student.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Letters
I know some of these are more abstract than expected, but hey! I can be thankful for whatever. So, tonight, I'm thankful, specifically, for letters. Generally, the written word, but really letters. You see, they've been such a source of expression for me lately, that I can't not acknowledge them.
There are many things in my head and heart that I have to say. I'm constantly thinking and analyzing not only the world around me, but especially myself. I think about previous decisions I've made, how those affect the current me. I think about relationships constantly, whether they be romantic or friendship or familial. This being the case, I come up with a lot of thoughts. And these thoughts just...can't all stay in me. Some need release.
Sometimes I need to remind myself of someting, whether it be assignment or affirmation. Other times I need to put puzzle pieces together, rearrange them, and write them out to physically see them and think visually. But most importantly, sometimes I really need to tell people things. But more often than not, when it's something that I really want to say, I either shouldn't or can't say it to that person. These are pressing matters on my heart. And so tonight, I am thankful for letters.
I've made this habit. I have pages and pages, notebooks full of letters to people. More to some than others, but varied greatly. These letters never get sent. These letters are for me. Normally I would love nothing more than to send them and tell them my heart, but if I could send them, I wouldn't be writing late at night in a little notebook. So I write. And I pray. And I keep writing these letters until I run out of words or fall asleep.
Maybe someday I can share them. Maybe someday I'll wrap them all up and throw them away, done with that phase of my life. Maybe someday I won't have to write these letters. But for now, they are a means of healing. A chance to express myself. And most especially, a way to bring those close to me who feel so desperately far away.
There are many things in my head and heart that I have to say. I'm constantly thinking and analyzing not only the world around me, but especially myself. I think about previous decisions I've made, how those affect the current me. I think about relationships constantly, whether they be romantic or friendship or familial. This being the case, I come up with a lot of thoughts. And these thoughts just...can't all stay in me. Some need release.
Sometimes I need to remind myself of someting, whether it be assignment or affirmation. Other times I need to put puzzle pieces together, rearrange them, and write them out to physically see them and think visually. But most importantly, sometimes I really need to tell people things. But more often than not, when it's something that I really want to say, I either shouldn't or can't say it to that person. These are pressing matters on my heart. And so tonight, I am thankful for letters.
I've made this habit. I have pages and pages, notebooks full of letters to people. More to some than others, but varied greatly. These letters never get sent. These letters are for me. Normally I would love nothing more than to send them and tell them my heart, but if I could send them, I wouldn't be writing late at night in a little notebook. So I write. And I pray. And I keep writing these letters until I run out of words or fall asleep.
Maybe someday I can share them. Maybe someday I'll wrap them all up and throw them away, done with that phase of my life. Maybe someday I won't have to write these letters. But for now, they are a means of healing. A chance to express myself. And most especially, a way to bring those close to me who feel so desperately far away.
The Stars
Posted for Saturday, Nov. 21. Sorry it's late, but I was on a service trip up in Sonoma County with the youth group I help with, and wasn't able to access Blogspot, even with my wonderful Crackberry ;)
Have you ever been joyous and sorrowful at the same time? I'm sure you have. I felt that tonight on this church retreat. As we were all going to bed, and I was following up with one boy I had talked to earlier, I glanced up. Without thinking, I cut him off as I gasped; the stars were absolutely beautiful. They were vast and glimmering and as I gazed, a few things came to mind.
First, I was in awe and wanted to cry from the beauty. The stars in the Bay Area are rarely magnificent- there's too much light pollution. But this? This was glorious. Second, I thought of my dearest friends. I thought about how much I wished I could share this moment with one of them- how I knew it would be so much more appreciated with one of them. With those thoughts in mind, my eyes scanned the skies more and landed on one particular constellation.
Nestled above Orion and his belt was a group of stars, glittering and sparkling exceptionally to me. And as I looked closer, I realized what they formed.
Have you ever been joyous and sorrowful at the same time? I'm sure you have. I felt that tonight on this church retreat. As we were all going to bed, and I was following up with one boy I had talked to earlier, I glanced up. Without thinking, I cut him off as I gasped; the stars were absolutely beautiful. They were vast and glimmering and as I gazed, a few things came to mind.
First, I was in awe and wanted to cry from the beauty. The stars in the Bay Area are rarely magnificent- there's too much light pollution. But this? This was glorious. Second, I thought of my dearest friends. I thought about how much I wished I could share this moment with one of them- how I knew it would be so much more appreciated with one of them. With those thoughts in mind, my eyes scanned the skies more and landed on one particular constellation.
Nestled above Orion and his belt was a group of stars, glittering and sparkling exceptionally to me. And as I looked closer, I realized what they formed.
A question mark.
I have so many questions right now, so many wonders and pains and hopes and confusions. I wonder if God is leading me a certain direction. I worry that I'm going to hurt myself again. I hope I'm on that right track. I pray it isn't all in my head and a concoction of my wishful thinking and hopeful romantic-ness.
But yet, as I stood under those stars in the hills of Napa Valley, surrounded by young minds and hearts looking to serve and fellowship, I still couldn't help but be at peace. For even if my own heart and mind are in shambles, I can look to my side and see hope; see faith and love and purity. And I can look up to the heavens and feel that hope for something better. I can see the stars and know that there's something more waiting for me. I can have a celestial question mark and know that even God is winking at me and asking me to take that leap of faith.
So, tonight, I thank the stars for their inspiration, peace, and hope.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Music Analysis
(First, sorry for the late post, but I left my house at 7 this morning for school and didnt get home again til quarter after midnight, thanks to working. Ohhh sbux closing shifts.)
Tonight, I'm thankful for music analysis. I know that sounds really boring and gross and weird, but SERIOUSLY! When one needs a good distraction, analysis of something you love does the job pretty darn well. I was happy to find that I got a B on my last Music Theory test, so I'm finally starting to understand it. YAY! So all throughout class, since I needed to be distracted, I was focusing especially close. And it makes sense so that was encouraging. But I was still down today.
So, I talked to a good friend after class and had about an hour and a half to kill before choir. He let me talk and cry and the like, and was very understanding and kind. That was the first step to feeling better, but there's nothing like music for me. When we got into choir I just took a big breath, got on the risers, and started stretching. Within minutes, both my emotions and need to go potty were the last things on my mind. I got to focus and create, and it was wonderful. Especially since our music is very challenging (Bach's Gloria in Excelsis Deo Cantata 191 and Arvo Part's Magnificat), I can't just sing. I have to think. I have to listen. I have to make sure my vowel is right because for some reason we were really flat today. I had to be there and nowhere else, and I am so thankful for that.
Music is beautiful, in it's science, art, and complexity to entangle both those worlds. To be able to finally analyze it properly feels like a gift and I'm thankful that I CAN do it, and also that I'm letting myself. It feels so good to chase a dream :)
Tonight, I'm thankful for music analysis. I know that sounds really boring and gross and weird, but SERIOUSLY! When one needs a good distraction, analysis of something you love does the job pretty darn well. I was happy to find that I got a B on my last Music Theory test, so I'm finally starting to understand it. YAY! So all throughout class, since I needed to be distracted, I was focusing especially close. And it makes sense so that was encouraging. But I was still down today.
So, I talked to a good friend after class and had about an hour and a half to kill before choir. He let me talk and cry and the like, and was very understanding and kind. That was the first step to feeling better, but there's nothing like music for me. When we got into choir I just took a big breath, got on the risers, and started stretching. Within minutes, both my emotions and need to go potty were the last things on my mind. I got to focus and create, and it was wonderful. Especially since our music is very challenging (Bach's Gloria in Excelsis Deo Cantata 191 and Arvo Part's Magnificat), I can't just sing. I have to think. I have to listen. I have to make sure my vowel is right because for some reason we were really flat today. I had to be there and nowhere else, and I am so thankful for that.
Music is beautiful, in it's science, art, and complexity to entangle both those worlds. To be able to finally analyze it properly feels like a gift and I'm thankful that I CAN do it, and also that I'm letting myself. It feels so good to chase a dream :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Kaitlin Bishop
There are some people in your life that are front and center: your best friend, your siginificant other, your parents, favorite professors, and preachers. There are many people right behind you that you can access easily, when need or want be: friends, extended family, administrators, and co-workers. But then there are those tucked away; the spirits who are quietly cheering you on and whispering on your shoulder, even if you don't always notice them. Kaitlin Bishop is one of those people for me.
She and I met through church youth groups, retreats, mission trips, sunday schools, and everything else that we did there. We were both staples at HUMC, but somehow, I never spent an exceptional amount of time with her or got to know her as well as others. However, ever since I moved, she, along with a few others, have acted as guardian angels over me.
I came to her tonight in tears, after facing a rough day of emotions, memories, and questions. It's been months since we've talked but she's always seemed close to me. Her words tonight explained the closeness as well as comforting and embracing me. Where some of my friends want to give me tough love and see me finally be happy and whole again, others are ready to tell me that it's okay to be where I am for as long as I need to be. Each has their time and place, but tonight I needed to be submerged in my grief.
Kaitlin talked with me for two hours as I explained my aches. She listened patiently, asked me to explain deeper, and provided no judgement whatsoever. She let me weep and she let me feel. She provided inspiration and true comfort and made me feel so absolutely loved that it made me cry. I'll let some of her most powerful words speak in place of mine:
She and I met through church youth groups, retreats, mission trips, sunday schools, and everything else that we did there. We were both staples at HUMC, but somehow, I never spent an exceptional amount of time with her or got to know her as well as others. However, ever since I moved, she, along with a few others, have acted as guardian angels over me.
I came to her tonight in tears, after facing a rough day of emotions, memories, and questions. It's been months since we've talked but she's always seemed close to me. Her words tonight explained the closeness as well as comforting and embracing me. Where some of my friends want to give me tough love and see me finally be happy and whole again, others are ready to tell me that it's okay to be where I am for as long as I need to be. Each has their time and place, but tonight I needed to be submerged in my grief.
Kaitlin talked with me for two hours as I explained my aches. She listened patiently, asked me to explain deeper, and provided no judgement whatsoever. She let me weep and she let me feel. She provided inspiration and true comfort and made me feel so absolutely loved that it made me cry. I'll let some of her most powerful words speak in place of mine:
"If I say anything tonight that's church relevant, I'll say this:
God gives us all two things when he creates us, in my opinion. He gives us a purpose, reason for being, and the gifts to s
hare that purpose with the world. He also gives us a soulmate to share that world with."
hare that purpose with the world. He also gives us a soulmate to share that world with.""Of all the people I keep after, I worry about you both the most and the least. The most because you've faced more obstacles and heartache than anyone else. The least because you've come through them, just like you always have and always will."
She reads my blogs. I know people do, and I can see that people do on this one, but this is new. I never knew about the one for school since I can't track anything on it. When I went to explain something and found out that she already knew the rough story, I started crying again. I know these are public and anyone can read them, but to know that someone reads them regularly, to keep tabs on me and check on me? I can't describe my gratitude. I'm not alone. My words don't go out to no one. I have family, both blood and chosen, who care as deeply for me as I do for them.
Kaitlin, tonight you are the representation of that bond. Thank you for everything you do for me, both seen and unseen. I love you so very much and can't wait to give you the huge tear-filled hug I've promised the next time I go home. You are an inspiration. ♥
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The All-Around "Good Day"
It gets much less press than it really should. I don't know about you, but the good tends to outweigh the bad in my life, or at least I like to train myself for that to be so. Even after some of the pains I had in the past couple years, looking back, it's hard for me to remember just how much those things hurt. It's a blessing, I think, as long as you remember the lessons. But pain aside, I think that our world in general tends to focus on the negative. I challenge you to remember the positive more.
Today was simply a good day. I want to step back and acknowledge that there was nothing of significance that brought me down. Although it may not seem news worthy or worth an entire blog on, I think it is. Most days are "average". Hence them being "most". Some days stick out as extraordinarily fantastic, and others as unbearably excruciating. But what about those simple days? The days where you just smiled and were thankful for it? I think they deserve more.
I woke today and wrote out my affirmations. They were focused on my music classes today and keeping my mind where it needed to be (like on the last Music Theory test of the quarter). I then showered, got ready, and headed downstairs for breakfast. I had half an hour to make that and pack my lunch and dinner so I decided to have something nicer. I ended up basting my first egg, and it turned out perfect! Adding some toast, juice, and a banana and I had a breakfast for champions! Afterwards, I even emptied the dishwasher, I was feeling so darn cheerful. Eggs are happy foods, what can I say?
So I headed to school with my tea, backpacks, coats, and Michael Buble in tow. Thing just kept going smoothly. Piano was good, and my professor, as usual, was cheery and adorable. My test seemed to go well, as I finished with fifteen minutes to spare. I even put myself out there in Sightsinging and felt my affirmations work, thus boosting my self-esteem for the day.
I found a friend and got a big, twirl-me-around-in-the-air hug that kept me smiling. Choir was wonderful, as always, and I headed to the rest of my Physical Ed classes afterwards. Ballet was also smooth and filled with jokes about my lack of pants. (I've got a leotard and tights! Why do I need pants, too??) Then, in my short break before the University Honors Program social, I ran into two friends from my summer show and was greeted with warm hugs and laughs. Taekwondo ended my day happily with the normal humor with my friend Adrienne (not my boss), who I endearingly call Shorty. I've got 5 inches on her, but we've always been an even match in martial arts. Small, but mighty, my friends.
All in all? A good day. One worth noting. One worth remembering, so that when one of the miserable days come I can think of this and remember that this, too, shall pass. As sung in Glee (aka the best show ever.) tonight:
Today was simply a good day. I want to step back and acknowledge that there was nothing of significance that brought me down. Although it may not seem news worthy or worth an entire blog on, I think it is. Most days are "average". Hence them being "most". Some days stick out as extraordinarily fantastic, and others as unbearably excruciating. But what about those simple days? The days where you just smiled and were thankful for it? I think they deserve more.
I woke today and wrote out my affirmations. They were focused on my music classes today and keeping my mind where it needed to be (like on the last Music Theory test of the quarter). I then showered, got ready, and headed downstairs for breakfast. I had half an hour to make that and pack my lunch and dinner so I decided to have something nicer. I ended up basting my first egg, and it turned out perfect! Adding some toast, juice, and a banana and I had a breakfast for champions! Afterwards, I even emptied the dishwasher, I was feeling so darn cheerful. Eggs are happy foods, what can I say?
So I headed to school with my tea, backpacks, coats, and Michael Buble in tow. Thing just kept going smoothly. Piano was good, and my professor, as usual, was cheery and adorable. My test seemed to go well, as I finished with fifteen minutes to spare. I even put myself out there in Sightsinging and felt my affirmations work, thus boosting my self-esteem for the day.
I found a friend and got a big, twirl-me-around-in-the-air hug that kept me smiling. Choir was wonderful, as always, and I headed to the rest of my Physical Ed classes afterwards. Ballet was also smooth and filled with jokes about my lack of pants. (I've got a leotard and tights! Why do I need pants, too??) Then, in my short break before the University Honors Program social, I ran into two friends from my summer show and was greeted with warm hugs and laughs. Taekwondo ended my day happily with the normal humor with my friend Adrienne (not my boss), who I endearingly call Shorty. I've got 5 inches on her, but we've always been an even match in martial arts. Small, but mighty, my friends.
All in all? A good day. One worth noting. One worth remembering, so that when one of the miserable days come I can think of this and remember that this, too, shall pass. As sung in Glee (aka the best show ever.) tonight:
"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain;
we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise,
we know that there's always tomorrow".
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
1340 N. Main St.
That's right. I'm thankful for a place tonight. Starbucks- my Starbucks. I don't think many of my friends are thankful for their jobs, in all honesty. It's something they haaaave to do to get by, and something that demands their time and sure, it's bearable, but someplace they're thankful of? Psh.
Not the case for me. Yes, I've had my ups and downs with the place. Have I seriously considered leaving? Yeah, a few times. Did those times correlate with a lack of vacation or big outside stress on my part? Guilty. When I step back and look at my near year and a half at Starbucks store 5624, it's been a place of comfort for me. At points, I've felt that my "sbux crew" has been all I've had.
There was my first summer here, before I had any friends. Adrienne hired me a week and a half after I moved, and I immediately began the intense training. I came home exhausted after each 4 hour shift and slept in my gloriously large bed. Time of day mattered not. Although I wasn't close to the team yet, they were the only people I saw with any regularity other than my parents. To them, I was the cute just-out-of-high-schooler who sang and wore ribbons in her hair. To me, they were the only base I had out here and challenged me to change what a friend could be made of. Even though I felt much younger than them, I worked to prove myself, and quickly gained their respect and evetually lost the "high-schooler" tag.
Then came Fall and school. I was working my butt off, trying to figure out how to balance all of it. As my friends back home got more involved in their schools and their new lives, I was stuck- too busy commuting to get involved, and too homesick to try. Only at my store did I have relief, where I knew what I was doing and had a singular purpose. It was wonderfully predicatble, and that predicatability kept me sane, as did my coworkers.
Throughout the rest of my year, they've seen all sides of me from bubbly and singing "True Love's Kiss" from Enchanted, to trying to hold my composure and swollen eyes for an eight hour shift the day after a heart-wrenching breakup. They know me. They know my struggles. And I know theirs. Most of the time, mine pale in comparisson. To them, I am thankful.
At my store I see strength and perserverance. I see people fighting to just get by and providing an astonishing example for me. I see a woman who curse like a sailor. In her, I see the most genuine heart and soul which really just wants to be loved again. I see a quiet, contemplative man who shoulders the store and it's needs above his sleep. In him, I see dedication to a purpose and a responsibility. I see a woman fighting emotional hell while she works and studies, as she follows her dream. In her, I see a beautiful friend who is the first to laugh off her stress. In this store, I have a home.
I know that my experience here isn't like most. The store isn't an escape for many of my coworkers, but it can be for me. They can be my escape; they have been and continue to be a tremendous support system for me. So to my coworkers, both past and present? I love you all. Thank you for putting up with me and my quirks ;)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Justin White
I shall begin my new daily routine with someone very near and dear to my heart, Rev. Justin White. He started off as the new youth pastor at my church back in Virginia, and quick rose to stardom among the youth and adults. He has been there for me going on six years now, despite the space and time differences.
One of the many reasons I love Justin is his ability to listen. See, I like to talk. A lot. And he doesn't mind listening to me prattle on, whether it be about the newest piece of art I've been working on, my new dreams and ambitions, or whether it be in tears, as I desperately seek his guidance on the newest hurt on my heart. Back in high school, one of my favorite pastimes was running over to the church after school and just sitting in his office to recount all that was my epic (or not) day.
Justin is more than just a pastor. He's more than an example of faith. He's a counselor who cracks the best jokes when you're about to "snot yourself" from crying so hard (his own words, of course). He's a Monty Python fanatic. A wine connoisseur. A lover of all that is faith and friendship. But most important to me, he's my friend, and I hope he knows how much that means to me. So Justin? Thank you, again, for all that you have been, and continue to be to me ♥.
One of the many reasons I love Justin is his ability to listen. See, I like to talk. A lot. And he doesn't mind listening to me prattle on, whether it be about the newest piece of art I've been working on, my new dreams and ambitions, or whether it be in tears, as I desperately seek his guidance on the newest hurt on my heart. Back in high school, one of my favorite pastimes was running over to the church after school and just sitting in his office to recount all that was my epic (or not) day.
Justin is more than just a pastor. He's more than an example of faith. He's a counselor who cracks the best jokes when you're about to "snot yourself" from crying so hard (his own words, of course). He's a Monty Python fanatic. A wine connoisseur. A lover of all that is faith and friendship. But most important to me, he's my friend, and I hope he knows how much that means to me. So Justin? Thank you, again, for all that you have been, and continue to be to me ♥.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Name of the Game
So I've had this idea.
I've been having a rough couple of years and have found that I'm really struggling with myself: who I am, what I'm made of, and whether or not I'm worthy. Unworthy of what, you ask? I'm not even sure. Needless to say, my confidence and esteem are weak, but I want to change that.
And my thinking? What better way to find yourself and your worth, than in the things that you have and are thankful for? They can be people, places, things, events, lessons- anything. I'm going to work on this daily. I'll find 365 things for which I'm thankful for a year, write about them, and if possible, tag them so they know that I'm thankful.
Of course, it's never that simple. I have other "rituals" to help myself. A page of affirmations each morning. A visual goal chart so I can't just flake on my plans. Mantras. Etc.
But as we lead up to this year's Thanksgiving, I shall dedicate this blog solely to the giving and reminding of my own blessings. And so it begins!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
